What the Night Brings

It's early in the morning and I just got home from a friends B-day party. Honestly, I've a few feelings to work out. Close to the time we left I looked around at the strangers surrounding me and I felt the futile efforts and the emptiness that encased them. It left a feeling that I hate, but am having at an increasing rate, which ironically, is part of the problem. I look around me and I see signs of age and death and decay, these things bother me. My cats are getting old, there's more wrinkles around my eyes, children are turning into teenagers and my loved ones are joining the dance, and it seems to be picking up speed. It makes my stomach sick and I have fear, what I fear I'm not quite sure, but when I feel this way, I can't help hating being born, because that means I will die, and so will the people around me. It's eventual, and 100% true. Not like having cancer, you have a 50/50 chance so you don't think about it as often. But death, that's for sure and just because I was breathed into being, I will die. Understand I don't question my Savior and what He promises, that I have eternal life in Him, it's just that I don't like death and sometimes think that this is all pointless. I relate well with Ecclesiastics and I feel lost, hopeless and scared. I'm not quite 30 and I already feel life is done, not that I'm going to help the process, that would be "counter feeling". Maybe it's because when the night comes and I crawl into my bed and quietly go to sleep alone, with no one there to share these thoughts with for encouragement, I'm lonely. I'm so very lonely. Do married people feel this way ever? Is it just a plague for those who set a place for one? Then I fear, will it always be this way? In twenty years will I still be writing my fears to the world in the middle of the night? I cry out to God and even then it seems the fear is too much to bear and I don't know what to do. And who does one call @ 3:30 in the morning. Really I don't know what to do and I know I'm definitely not alone in this, but what can I do? I turn to Jesus to save me from this, and I always hope that He'll just take those feelings away completely, but yet they still return. I know it isn't about me, it's about something and Someone so much bigger, and yet how can one not take it personally?


I'm much calmer now that I've got it out, but I know it will return on another night. Until then, I want to leave this with hope, This is a poem I wrote, in hopes of what that exact moment of death will bring.

Last Breathe
When moments of time,
Wind down to my last,
Will I see sunlight sift through?
And lush gardens cascading emerald green?
Will soft white petals float through the air?
Will there be music?
In my heart will I hear soft birds singing and rushing water?
And can I sum up my last heartbeats,
To intertwine with fairy bells and mythical harps,
Shall my soul smile,
To be content and beautiful?
For that is when time will stop and,
Ceaseless shall be my life.
When death it comes,
And steals my last breathe
Then sends my shell to the grave.
My soul rushes on with peaceful haste,
Blending with the exquisite light,
And dancing with a kaleidoscope of rainbows,
Where eternally I will be one with my Everything.

All poetry subject to copy write.
A beautiful song is 'When It's All Been Said and Done' by Robin Mark. It's always playing in the background, I make up my own background music for life.