Catch 22

I just watched the show 'My Life' with Michael Keaton and as good a movie as it is, I'm left sad and a little apprehensive. He had to be what? - only 35 years old or something and he died from aggressive cancer. I can sit here and say 'not me' and you can too, but children are dying everyday from cancer, why not me? And then I start to think "ah, now I'll probably get it." Millions of people everyday face the morning bravely with this disease, as well as far too many other diseases. Should someone not quite 30 be so scared of something no one seems to have much control over anyway? Why do I think that if I get bit by a mosquito and get west nile, oh well, it was meant to happen. But the thought of some doctor sitting accross from me telling me I have cancer scares the hell out of me? It never used to. Where are the days of being carefree with death and disease so far removed? Maybe I just have too much time to think and no one to really sound board it to, no reassurance and optimism from a really good friend at 1am like I used to.

Mortality is a pretty elusive oxymoron. Especially as a Christian. On one hand I have the hope of eternal life in heaven and I am so happy to be there, when it happens. On the other hand, I have to watch people I love fade away or at least be faced with the fact we are all getting older at an incredible rate. Every time I think of this my heart flutters with a small pang of fear and as a chain reaction causes pain in my gut, which in turn makes me worry about whether I have cancer or not. Seems to be a violent cycle. Shouldn't I, at 29 years old, be thinking of other things? I don't want to think about my job when I'm not there, I don't have children to think on and I'm not dating - one more less person to think about. Could be that that is why I spend time dreaming obssessively about my childhood and when I'll meet Mr. Right, or if I already have?

To many of you reading this it will probably sound like I picked a topic and went with it, that is not the case. This is my ongoing, all-consuming fear, larger than life and honestly don't know where to turn. To Jesus you say, and I agree with you. Small problem though, I'm not 'there'. Some where along the journey I dropped the ball of desire to be with the Almighty on a regular basis. Pray about it you say. That would be a catch 22. How long can I go on praying with the skin of my teeth, accepting God will intercede and then find myself right back there praying for the desire to be thirsty for Jesus. I'm weary. Do I walk away and destroy parts of my life only to be called back again? I have no interest for such a destructive loop. So then I wait to get cancer so that I can appreciate life and God more. Do you see my runaround thinking? Insane isn't it? My brain is tired of listening to me, but it has no choice, so why not go nuts! I don't know, what do you think?